Get Smart

Check out this actual police car! I thought it was some kind of wind up at first but its real! A fucking polis smart car?

I had to take a pic of this bad boy, but the lads in the car noticed and took exception to it! just after it was taken one of them got out and started shouting it was a criminal offence to take a picture of a police officer, obviously raging at everyone laughing.. not only at his mode of transportation but the fact I was taking a picture of it!

I just replied it was criminal that they were being made to drive around in that thing!

Wit a pipe!

Looking Up?

Things just seem to be going wrong at the moment, for the last wee while actually. No luck at all!

Then today I got this wee beauty on my desk! Post-it notes with my very own name at the bottom! 5 years service, the best i could have hoped for I suppose!

Its Official

Diesel jeans are gay!

By the way, thats not my size! no chance I'm a 34 waist! fuckin no chance!

Guess what happened next...

Which one do you think is Troy Penetrator? I'm going for the darkest shade of black guy second from the left.

Pretty Fly For A White Guy

Pair of Dockers

I recently decided to send a friend at work a crazy e-mail while a senior member of staff was sitting at his desk looking at his screen.

Those who are familiar with Microsoft Outlook will know that when an e-mail gets sent to your inbox a little message appears in the bottom right hand of the monitor, like a little mini ghost e-mail that suddenly appears and disappears within about 5 seconds, its not until you count to 5 that you realise how long this is! Contained within the ghost message are the sender of the e-mail, the subect and the first two lines.

With the two guys seemingly working away pretty hard on whatever they were doing, I sent an e-mail that read "whats your favorite gay sexual practice?" "mine is docking"

Docking being the practice of one gay man pulling his foreskin over another gay mans erect penis to give the desired effect.

My friend immediatly burst out laughing although trying to contain it while disposing of the e-mail and trying to pretend it hadnt happened!

The senior gent mind you did go red in the face and sat awkwardly for the remainder of their time together. And now he's away to google "docking". Brilliant!

This got me thinking, I would like to do more of this, socially awkward situations are just good fun to watch!

Any storys/suggestions are welcome!

Peace out.

Fitbaw Taps

I was looking at the new bumblebee top there, I like it. It reminds me of that time in the 90's. We never won anything but a Scottish Cup during its first incarnation but we turned a corner! and that was a good feeling.....Thoughts on it??

I also came across these beauties! Not only are some of the designs this year rank but the way they are advertised to the fans are shocking!
What the fuck is going on with this Oldham effort?
Orlando Pirates photo shoot was directed by Spike Lee.
Rapid Wien going for the classy approach, giving the players violins and putting a tap on a statue. Also with a violin
Shamrock Rovers? looks like the old hibs top circa 1993
WTF?? Who's the diddy now?
Utter shite fae Newcastle. Just utter shite!
Bit retro! Not their worst effort.Is that Mark Walters?..Only joking its Rod Wallace.

Subway Melt

I was on the subway there for the second time in my life thus far.

Growing up in Ireland there isn't very many of them alright!

My fucking god there are allot of odd balls that go on it! I had to go to Cessnock of all places. I got on at St Enoch and this mad lassie sat across from me, and she looked terrified as if she was the only white lassie on a train full of black rapists.

Every person I looked at was looking at me, and done that look away fast sort of thing like I didn't obviously spot them. Honestly there is no where to look when your sitting on one of those things! not that you would want to look at anybody, so that wee advert from a furniture store gets analysed until your stop comes round.

Yer normal business type working commuters get the train.

If your a wee bit scummier you get bus.

And if you've never seen the light of day, are horribly mutated in some way and eat yer own shite you take the subway!

Project Graffito

As most of my friends and social circle are away living it up in the "old country" this weekend I found myself with some time on my hands!

So, the decision was made to do something for the blog, something I could document for my own and everyone else's amusement...The sign across the road was coppin' it!

It started with a quick trip to Halfords!

Ford State Blue should do the trick! Paid for with a smile on my face thinking "you don't know the half of it hen" all I had to do know was play the waiting game......
The waiting game was shite so we had a game of darts!

After what was the longest game of round the board ever, the time was now! with a small step ladder in toe and my trusted edgy, we waited until such time when all the pubs have cleared and everyone was safely in a nightclub or up the road!...But Then....
Disaster! no sooner had I started came a shout from my valuable lookout! could Mo across in the shop have grassed me? I quickly grabbed the steps and bolted back to the safety of ma hoose!

Turns out there was a disturbance across the road at a party and to make matters worse there were fights breaking out about 20 yards up the road! At one stage there were 4 police vehicles parked outside! It was like this for the next two hours and it was already late as shit, so my plan was foiled! and my bottle had gone!
This was all I managed last night...HA....what the fuck does that mean? well I was gonna write "Halal Crack The Jokes" It would have been wonderful! A project so full of mayhem Tyler Durden himself would have been proud!

But instead I come to you a failure!

My next effort will not be so disastrous! I might even finish it on a quieter week night!

Mon Tam!

Am a sucker for a fairytale story, the cunts 59 or something! On yersel auld yin!

Sticky Wicket

Wits the scriptoid?

It must be the worst sporting event in the world! The fact that because so much of the TV I watch is made for an English audience, I have to constantly put up with cricket or more to the point, the Ashes. Sky sports news is a fucking write off, the news is full of it and its front page of any sport web site that I enter!

It goes on forever, its between two teams, the trophy is a fucking joke and its a game I will never ...EVER understand!

Over hyped nonsense!...Mind how could they think of ways to spice it up??

Mon the Aussies!!

Talibank

This is the new bill board outside my house.

Fucking Halal Home Finance from Islamic bank.com?? Does this seem a wee bit absurd to anyone else?

There used to be a pic of Megan Foxx from Transformers 2. That was better.

Mr Matey

I just seen this despicable horrible advert there.

I thought they stopped running it, because it has to be the creepiest thing Ive ever seen trying to promote a good cause.

We all know that caring for the frail and elderly is important and doing it at a high standard bla bla bla.

But what this advertises is essentially an old faggot with seemingly fuck all wrong with him asking his carer for a cunting hand job while he's already got the dude soaping him up??

Its not right! The fact that the dude laughs it of is worse, in an " am no geein ye a wank with the camera here" type way!

Pour Myself A Cup Of Ambition

Today was probably the most unproductive Ive had in the 5 years Ive worked for my current company, Stuck in the office at the moment.

I spent the whole day on the net, generally fucking about doing nothing, going for the odd wonder and talking shite to anyone who would listen.

Internet Roll Call:

log in to this blogging craic, check my page scroll down to see if there are any new comments.

Check other people's blogs to see if there are any new posts, check the comments and previous posts for any new comments.

Check the Daily Record for any news on the Scottish football, pure shite paper but we don't have much.

Check the BBC sport site even tho the Scottish football only gets updated every few days!

Check the news sites for any funny stories or stories close to home.

Evening Times around lunch time, Tosh McKinley is a twit that looks like a Junkie, big DJ is a big wank and Peter Martin is the kiss of death that writes a narrative like a Jeffery Archer novel.

Rest of the afternoon is spent fucking about on various fanzine sites or getting a wikipedia on the go about something I read or has caught my interest.

...pure shite day.

Awkward

Eye Right?

This cunt must be the most unfunny "comedian" on TV, the mad cross eyed...sorry, super cross eyed! "I cant believe that Frankie Boyle hasn't crushed him yet" Russell Howard from Mock The Week.

He should be a Blue Peter presenter! that's what he looks like/sounds like and probably failed to be.

His banter is shite, one eye is doing the dishes and the other is shaving his pits and none of the other panelists laugh at him!...why is he there?...the young cool demographic??

He is neither!

Cunt! total Cunt!

Star Studded Affair

Just had an interview for a new job there.

I was only gonna post about it if I got it, like posting before I got it would somehow hex the whole thing? kinda like telling people your pregnant before 3 months!?

It started off terribly! I was meant to do a power point presentation but the presonal e-mail I had sent the thing to was blocked on their server so the worst possible start was on the cards! I was contemplating doing a quick vaudeville number to fill the gap and possibly take the edge off the whole situation.

When we had decided that this was nobodys fault and settled dowm to let the mauling begin I was actually in a fair amount of turmoil! as the good cop bad cop duo barking "what would you do" and "how would you hanldle" questions at me were the DOUBLE..and I mean DOUBLE of Michael Keaton and Michael Chiklis(dude from the shield)

So am getting down with all these mad mental questions and anytime I look up ave got fucking Batman and Ben Grim sitting with note pads. how am I meant to concentrate with that shit going on? Impossible!

I was still thinking of the bad start halfway through, it started to get better and finished up ok, I even got a pretty big laugh towards the end....even though what I said wasnt that funny but I took it...by god I took it! I did nail one of the questions towards the end and beetlejuice said "good golf shot"...bit weird I thought.

In all honesty I dont know how I got on, I may just have to sleep my way to the top after all!

I'll keep y'all informed, not that anyone reads this or could give a fonkeys muck!!!...I need a pint!

Ding Dong Who Gives a Fuck

Weddings.

Whats your stance?

My summers are being taken away from me at an alarming rate because of weddings and stag weekends. Pushing any plans that I had for a Gav holiday oot the windae.

Not that I would mind but Glasgow having a very large plastic paddy community where two people born and bread in Glasgow decide to get married in Ireland due to the Aiden McGeady rule.Thus forcing everybody invited to shell out the millions it costs to survive over there for a weekend! and all the rest! People from there, living here, that go back to tie the knot...fair doo's.Thats how it should be.

I'm not a fan of weddings other than the reception part where everybody gets honking and tries to snake a bridesmaid regardless of who you took with you!

No Havin' It!

Does anyone else think this cunt isnt deid?

All the shite about being £300m in debt, all the loans he was trying to get under mad crazy fucked up names, wolves at the door, embarking on a mental 200 date tour at 50 fucking years old!

Then he cops it. Drops dead with tales of drugs and malnutrition, lauded as one of the truly great artists of all time, pure overkill.

He or his estate stands to make a fortune, £500m or something, paying off all the debts amassed by buying lama food and nappy's for monkeys or whatever the fuck he spent it on.

Fucked up. just fucked up! The kind of guy that would like to see his own funeral and all the shite that has so far went with it!

No havin' it!

....Beezer of a pic tho of him and La Toya!

Some People

This is a sign the building super put on the toilet cubical wall of my building at work!?

Was there really a need for him to use the word pans? surly to god he should have just put "the toilets"

He's a bit of a retard... late 30's, over weight, still lives with his parents, gives out a creepy vibe when he looks at you.

He might as well of said "Lavy"..."Please gonae no put hawn towels doon the lavy pan"

Thats what he should have said!...fud!

Sreetard

Thank FUCK for that!

Gav...Not a Racist

On my daily walk home from work, I encounter the same sights every day.
People walking in the other direction are almost on nodding terms and even people in cars are familiar.

Happy Days.

But when i get to a certain point it all turns sinister. Across from the Star Bar on Pollockshaws Road there is a sort of social club for, well i suppose they are refugees or immigrants....Now i defenitly wouldnt class my self as a racist but I fucking hate them with a fucking vengance. apparently for no reason other than the sight of them!

These guys are black but not your usual kind, I mean they look African of some sort but they all look the same! there must be about 30 of them all in all and they COULD actually all be brothers! They are untidy, ignorant, seedy looking and just make the place look like fucking shit!

Your heading into Govanhill if you take Vicky Road so the sight of a swarthy Individual is not uncommon and I'm down with my Asian brothers but these guys look like the dudes on the beach in Greece with the bad teeth that try to force you to buy sunglasses and other such shite. I'm pretty sure they sell drugs too and would mug ye soon as look at ye!

Pure shite man! just that wee strech of about 100 yards...Fucking hate them!

Nothing to do with colour or creed, so why is it?

How Gav Got His Groove Back

I'm back, after a good 10 weeks out after breaking a bone in my foot I had my first run tonight.

In the searing heat, blowing out my arse for most of it I managed about 8K. I'm chuffed as fuck.

went at a pretty slow pace at times mind you but I done OK and my foots alright!

Football can wait for a couple of weeks until I get up to speed but at least that's me back, and I no longer feel like an unfit gimpish waste of space!