Another 10 Things That Do My Nut In.

Religion, cause it sucks.

The new Batman films. There I said it.

Michelle McManus.
Things I used to think were funny but are clearly not.
This fucking diddy ride.
Chinese folk.
Bus drivers. (look what he did to my car)
Idiots that get on TV.
Motivational Posters. They got old about 2 years ago.
Britney Fuckin Spears

There's not been enough...

Midget Will Smith pics on here.

....In fact, what are your thoughts on Will Smith? I used to like the dude but every film he does is just about him. For the whole hour and a half or whatever its just him. Boring, wholesome, bankable Will Smith.

Mix it up Will, for your next role I command you play a banjo playing peado or something, maybe get your own back and murder uncle Phil.

Oh aye, and Hancock was shite.

Dowie Syndrome

Bit of a footie moan here.

I would be utterly disappointed and more or less raging if I was a Hull City fan! Their decision to not only sack their manager during a relegation battle but to appoint one of the worst managers in the game is nothing less than shocking!

The guy in general is a complete arse going by the way he comes across on TV especially press conferences and Sky Sports news but he also has a fucking terrible track record as a manager. Twice being sacked after 15 games with 2 different clubs! being sacked from the other two after 2 and 1 seasons respectively.

I would be fucking livid if this guys name was ever associated with a club I followed. Plus he is one UGLY fucker! I mean really!

St Paddy's

What's everyone doing for Paddy's day, If anything?

I'm working which is a bit of a gutter but will be nipping out at certain points to catch a pint or two as Im in the office the whole day. After 5 bells I'll be up to Molly Malones for a cheeky couple.

Here's to St Patrick who drove the snakes out of Ireland. Doubt he would do it today at over a pound a litre for petrol.

I know someone who will like this pic ...

The Court Bar Review

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. There’s a land that I’d heard of once in a lullaby…..

The Court Bar wasn’t that place but in keeping with the song’s loose association with those whom like their bread buttered on t’other side it seems quite fitting.

Sharks and myself certainly weren’t in Kansas anymore upon entering this fine establishment, don’t get me wrong the place, quite tidy and clean but when you walk into a pub at lunch time and the barman (who by the way bore more than a striking resemblance to Bruce, the gay guy with the tache from family guy) starts playing “its raining men” by the weather girls from behind the bar you know something aint quite right.

Cue the sudden realisation that we were in a “GAY BAR ,GAY BAR” I suppose the other bar tender with the Abe Lincoln beard, stove pipe hat and funky leotard should have gave the game away but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

It’s actually a decent wee place for a quick pint of an afternoon, situated on Hutcheson Street in the Merchant City it’s a nice setting also with yawn windows that open right out in the summer. Price wise wasn’t too bad either for the city centre, 3 pints coming to £8…One of them being a Magners!....Thats right, 3 pints as we were joined on our quest to the Emerald City by the scarecrow of our group in that “If he only had a brain” he’d be doing well.

Like the land of OZ being of the weird and wonderful this place was no different but at the end of the day there’s no place like home.

Gav/Sharks Rating 5/10

The Oriental Bar Review

Following on from last weeks' respite from the now seemingly 'Pond-life Tour of Glasgow City Centre Pubs', where we adjourned to the state of Nirvana that can only be experience with a friday afternoon's relax in the surroundings of the November in Princes Square, we decided that we would bring ourselves back down to earth with the kind of 'Big Bang' that could make Prof S Hawking stand up and run for air!!

Maybe it was the fact I was still p*shed from the night before, or maybe it was the sudden rush of boozer Xenophobia, but this place has to be the most interesting of our excursions so far.

On entrance, a few things smack you right in the mouth, though primarily the feeling of boarding a plane in the coldest of west of Scotland winters and stepping off in the searing heat of the July Costa del Scorchio, but rather substitute the unbearable temperature with a smell from betwix excrement and Lord Lucan's athlete's foot and a noise level of the only empty tent at T coming from the bar area (the latter of which was honestly Chris Rea’s Road to Hell for the entire time we were there, quite fitting on this occasion) and you'll gain some insight into the sheer strength of character and belief in what we have embarked upon, spurring us on to purchase a 'refreshment' and give an honest account of this scene merging Trainspotting and Star Wars.

The bar was quite litterally flies round the proverbial, with an array of weird and weirderful characters and in one growth attached to a stool (or should that be the other way round) we found out where the smell was coming from.

The beer was standard fair for city centre prices etc but in all honesty that was the least of my worries, as on taking our seats we found oursleves being given the least effective under cover surveillance op ever from a young fellow sitting on his own staring at us with an eerie smirk on his face, as if to be deciding what kind of wine to have us with that night!

The only saving grace with the rapidness in which we were served our ale, ale which was clearly suited to the clientelle that the establishment had waved a white flag and resigned itself to, though nonetheless a wide enough selection considering. Had it not been for this swift service we may still be there on all fours on the ground looking for our teeth and eyebrows!!

All in all, the place was a dive, plain and simple and one that’s gonna take some beating.

Gav/Sharks Rating 3/10

The 10 commandments.

Here are just a few of my favourite sexual practices....

1. alaskan pipeline- The act of shitting in to a condom, freezing the rubber overnight, then inserting it in to ones anus.

2. Strawberry Shortcake-The action in which the male ejaculates on his partner's face, and then the male punches his partner's nose, which causes blood to stream forth. The semen and blood fluids create a red and white image, just like the icing and filling of a strawberry shortcake.

3.Glass Bottom Boat- When a person shits on on top of a glass table, while someone under neath masturbates to it. like as you would watch fish in a real glass bottom boat.

4.Chilli Dog- The act of shitting a females chest and proceding to titty fuck her.

5.Rusty Trombone- To get rimmed whilst recieving a hearty reach round, thus resembling a trombone player in full chorus.

6.Cincinnati Bowtie- When you reverse titty-fuck a girl. So your balls and cock are upside-down and it looks like she is wearing a fleshy bow-tie.

7. Angry Dragon- Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon

8.Alligator Fuckhouse- A daring sexual maneuver: Mid-coitus, one person bites the neck of the other, locks their arms and legs down and goes into a deathroll, all while maintaining insertion. Like downshifting a car!

9.Alabama Hot Pocket-The art of seperating the vagina lips and taking a shat inside (and possibly having sex with it afterwards)

10.Birmingham booty call-Put your woman's cell phone on vibrate, stick it up her ass, and as you are having sex, call her phone, have her shit it out, answer it, and talk dirty to you as you cum on her face.

Archer

I came across this one night by accident. I think is was actually because I started to watch Rab C Nesbitt one night and had to turn away in disgust after 10 seconds!...Anyway lucky for me I switched to one of those daft channel 5 channels that I always forget about and stumbled upon Archer.
Witty, fresh, hilarious and fantastic dialogue! Just shows the difference between good writing and bad which in my opinion is the difference between American stuff and the shite WE have to endure.

I would recommend giving it a watch, as I say its on one of those daft C5 channels or FX on Sky.

Peace out x

The Yorkshire Rapper

That's the Yorkshire Ripper pushing for a release again, this time taking it to the court of human rights.

It just makes me wonder if ITV2 will get in about him for a "What Pete did next" type program or maybe a relaunch as the "Yorkshire Rapper" re-releasing "Return of The Mack" by the fabled Mark Morrison maybe coupled with the double A side "Mack the Knife".

Anyway here is the man himself when Jim fixed it for him to meet fellow mad man and indeed woman hater Frank Bruno.

Sloans Review

Did anyone know this place existed? I didn’t! Until about a year ago when they started advertising on Buchannan Street with the wee pointy arrows propped up by half conscious students directed down a dark lane that’s tied in with some sort of wee daft market that I doubt anyone has ever bought anything out of! Turns out it’s the oldest pub in Glasgow!?

Anyway, I thought a break from the norm this week would be good as the old mans pubs of this world were getting to me big time! And what a world of a difference it was!

Lovely wee place with a well stocked bar (no magners though) and friendly staff. This place seems to cater out of the ordinary also in a Grovner fashion as they show classic films with an option of a meal or a bottle of wine etc at the weekend in “the Ball Room” above.

Price wise they were off the mark as 3 drinks we ordered came to a total of £10.60 but I suppose you pay that bit extra for a nice setting and the smell of decent food as opposed to the constant threat of a knifing and the smell of sulphur mixed with stale beer.

No funny incidents to speak of other than one of the bar staff looking like Emo Phillips and finding out my unemployed mate who joined us can’t miss an episode of Jamie and his magic torch and doesn’t quite fully understand the rules to Jasper Carrot’s “Golden Balls”

This is a place I actually would recommend and will be frequenting again!

Gav/Sharks rating……7/10 (marked down only for the price in this recession)

IM Jolly

That's me been ordained a reverend through the "Universal Life Church Monastery" I came back from lunch to find this on my desk after lunch. I'm actually quite chuffed,I can now perform weddings in my spare time and fuck all the young boys I want. Two birds, one stone ...boom!

Stag Hag

Another year brings another glut of weddings but more importantly another round of stag do's that while providing hilarious drunken memories eats right in to my own holiday time.
Anyway, this year already it's Whitley Bay in May and Berlin again in July. I'm looking forward to Berlin for a few reasons, It was really enjoyable last year, its relatively cheap and I want to see if that menchie I left on a pretty famous building is still there.

Yaaaas for the Stags.

Check out my mad gay Hitler salute on the end! An actual German took the pic. He wasn't impressed.

Renfield Bar Review

You’ve just pawned all your worldly goods for £63.45 in Cash Converters on Renfield Street in Glasgow’s bustling city centre. Drug habits have to be paid for somehow but, what’s this nestled right by the bus that will take me back to my now empty flat? It would be rude not to with my new found wealth!

The Renfield Bar on Renfield Street (surprisingly). Where? What?.. I know, I know, but trust me, it's there, and has been for some years, apparently going under the guise of Cecil’s and Wypers back in the days when there were trams in the city, Scottish football was good and darth was at an age where he could still keep up with us young fella’s (sorry lad). Wait a minute, Cecil’s?? Not a chance that craic would fly in this day and age!

I’ll keep this brief cause the reviews of these places are all going the same way! The first thing that hits you as you walk in the door is that stale pub smell, or Jimmy in the corner as we call it in the trade, pretty strong but fades within minutes, the beer would be irkingly no cheaper than you would get in Edwards down the road, a place I would be seen dead in, but worth the pennies for the novelty and autonomy! The pub is homely enough and interestingly has a booth like area adjacent to the bar complete with hatch for serving. I believe this was common place in many Glasgow bars back in the early 20th century, so even though the décor may have changed (although not likely) the lay out of the place has probably been status quo for longer than your mammy's had eyes!!

Food served, although not sampled, TV’s everywhere and most importantly a non threatening atmosphere for a Friday afternoon pint.

The only eyebrow raising moment was while Sharks and my good self were pondering the likelihood of Einstein’s worm hole theory and indeed questioning our very own existence…and oh weather Peter Barlow will get off the beer or if Darius actually IS an Operastar, a figure entered in what can only be best described as eyegoresque from Young Frankenstein, charged past us and straight into the lavatory (possibly laboratory), I think he was muttering “Beware The Ides of March” ….strange.

Anyway, unfortunately marks off for the smell and the barmaid eating a sandwich AND a soup whilst serving me and not quite getting round to seeing Sharks alright for his 4th pint due to her 'Diet Smoke Break', but wouldn't hold it against the establishment for one individuals hasty treatment of 'blow ins'. However.........

Gav/Sharks rating 5/10

Grant Arms Review

Well here we are again with another insightful foray in to the world of city centre bars that you never though you would set foot in being the hip, young and indeed trendy things that you are.

They’re here they’re queer and The Grant Arms is no exception.

This wee out of place boozer is situated on the corner of Argyle Street directly across from where the once mighty Tower Records thrived and fell. Distinctive for is almost Tudor-like appearance and if I’m not mistaken its reputation for being one of the rougher shops in the town.

On entering the one thing that strikes you is the bowling club-esque décor complete with the kind of tables you get in a primary school cafeteria and a bar that is the right length and height to slam a shutter down if need be.

The menu looks quite good, although a 6oz rib eye steak costing £3.30 (with chips or potatoes) and the pepper sauce (which lets face it you need!!!) costing a further £1.20??

The place was as you’d expect full of auld people in for a swift half and a half, two old ones in particular you could tell had been married for about 60 years cause they didn’t face each other once or say a single word the whole time they were in!

Staff wise, we were fine and got a warm welcome the second time around once the barman realised that the 2 guys in the suits with the folders weren’t bailiffs or in there in any way to cause trouble!

So not to shabby, the atmosphere wasn’t as good and the place was a bit cold but handy for a quick pint and a relatively cheap bite.

Gav/Sharks Rating 6/10.

Poor Middlesbrough!